could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
