That's when you crack a 10am beer
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Randomize
