You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
