I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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