Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Randomize
