What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
