i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
