He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
