WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
