well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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