My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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