I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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