I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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