ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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