I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
I think i got beer on your cat.
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