I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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