I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
