Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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