I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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