my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
