nut hugger
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
