He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
