U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
