So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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