Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Randomize
