I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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