So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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