If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
