Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
he shaved USA in his pubs
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
His nipple licking is glorious
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