Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
