Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
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