Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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