Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
