Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
