Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
