doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
My vagina is officially offended.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Randomize
