Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
