awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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