I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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