I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
