he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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