dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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