My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
