I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Randomize
