as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
