my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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