You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
