my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
