Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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