I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Sex in the backyard? Check.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
